


A Wolf Choking On White Lilies

by AlphaWolfAl



Series: Al's Memories Of FFXV [6]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Enjoy this sad sad Noctis shit, I'm just really enjoying this self insert, It's another Al is uselessly pining for a character, M/M, but it's definitely self-harm related, but there's a lot of flower petals, hanahaki, it honestly just sounds like it's sexual, really super vague, so uh I'm sorry, there's no blood in this one, vague mention of using hanahaki for self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-02 00:20:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15785109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaWolfAl/pseuds/AlphaWolfAl
Summary: For ten years I made it through, the disease mostly dormant, but then Noctis came back, and then I knew what was going to happen. That first night the young King finds out I've been suffering this in silence the hard way.





	A Wolf Choking On White Lilies

**Author's Note:**

> There will be three endings coming for this. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

It's been ten years. Ten long years.

Ten years to think I'd forgotten the way I'd coughed up the white lily petals when he turned his stupid smile my way.

Ten years to think I could ever forget the pull in my chest that I didn't understand until that first long white petal made it's way out of my throat.

In that ten years the rest off us have been fighting the war without him. We've grown closer in many ways, even if we see each other far less frequently now.

Ignis and I travel together mostly. The Lame leading The Blind.

So when we get a call from Talcott, when we hear that Noctis is back, there is nobody to see that my coughing is more than just dust kicked up by the wind.

Ten years and because he's been gone the disease has been mostly dormant, I can still force a few petals up by giving him enough thought on a lonely night though so I know, always knew, that if he came back it was going to come back with him.

We're all meeting in Hammerhead. Gods I am not ready for this.

The truck's lights herald his return, I'm already fighting back my cough as we all leave the building to greet him.

I concentrate on Iggy's feet, pretending he still needs me to talk him around obstacles, trying not to look up yet.

His stupid voice is lower, but it's definitely him. And I cough a little, everyone is too busy to see the white petals I throw to the ground.

There's hugging, pats on the shoulder, the usual shit.

Finally I have to look up because it's my turn to greet him. Gods he's smiling at me, there's something in his eyes, he's close, too close. So I reach out and ruffle his hair.

“Nobody taught you how to shave during your ten year depression nap huh?”

He laughs, bats my hand away, and runs a hand over his jaw. “Is it that bad?”

“It really is.” I force a grin and turn to head for the caravan. “Now I've got guard duty tonight so I'm going to finish my nap.”

I cough into my hand on the way in, throw a handful of flowers in the trash can by the door, and toss myself onto the bed in the back room after shutting the door maybe a little too hard.

“By The Six... what am I going to do?”

My body tries to give me a real... firm... idea of what to do.

I refuse to indulge in that idea tonight though. It's too wrong, too fucked up, with him so close and so different after so long.

But gods I still love him. And I still have no right to.

He's a king. I'm just an old Glaive with bum knees and nothing of that life left to me but a title and memories.

Thirty-six fucking years old and I'm still hacking up flower petals over a man who won't ever feel the same.

I don't sleep. But that's not new. And when it's time for my shift on guard I'm glad to find the gate free of returned kings, and anyone else but the man I'm replacing.

I drop into the single chair, lean back, and stare up at the blackness of the sky. There are no stars in this night. It may not even be night, there is no way to know anymore. But it's the time we call night.

I don't know how much time passes but it's 'late' when I hear footsteps approaching.

I sit up straight, studying the sound, making sure it's not someone who can bust my balls, so to speak, for lounging during guard duty.

It's not, I relax again. But then the voice startles me to my feet and I whip around.

“Al? I need to talk to you.”

I stare at him, crystal blue eyes studying him while I try to swallow back the flowers.

“Yea sure, what's up?”

He fumbles for words, moving closer the whole time.

Finally he's almost pressed against me, and suddenly he's grabbing my coat, kissing me, gods he's kissing me, it's not a good kiss but gods it's still a kiss.

And for just a moment I think maybe my whole problem would be over.

But then I cough, and white petals burst from my mouth all over him.

He panics, reels backwards, almost trips on his own feet.

“Al is that... Oh gods Al. How long?”

“Technically about ten years.”

“There's no blood.”

“It went mostly dormant when I stopped seeing you every day.”

He starts pacing.

“I'm sure there's a doctor in Lestallum. We could get you there before it... before you...”

I cough again, more flowers, blessedly still free of blood.

“Noct... If I wanted it gone I could have had it taken out any time.”

The king becomes frantic now.

“So many people have already died because of me... please... please don't be one of them...”

I shake my head. “I need to be there for this fight. I can't just go to Lestallum and be in a hospital bed while you and the guys risk your lives.”

He rakes a hand through his hair, stops pacing, looks at me, I cough again, he starts pacing again.

“Al I... We need you... But we need you healthy.”

“It's ten years too late for healthy, Noct.” My voice is getting rough from the coughing.

He drops himself into my chair, hangs his head. “Please Al... I can't lose you... I can't... I don't...”

Gods he can't even say the words.

I shake my head. “You don't have to love me. I understand. I'm real hard to love.”

He holds his head in his hands. “I was so selfish. Again. I was selfish after Altissia, when you and Ignis needed to recover... And just now... Gods I kissed you... I don't love you and I kissed you...”

“That was surprising yea. But I guess I am the guy to go to for all your confronting your latent homosexuality needs.” I actually manage to laugh before it dissolves into another cough.

More flowers, I'm practically standing in a puddle of them by now. Because gods I haven't moved, I can't.

He looks up at me finally. “Al if I'd known I never would have done that to you.”

“Nobody knows. It's been easy to hide it. It was early enough in the disease to hide it before you left. Then these ten years it's been mostly dormant so it was easy to pretend it never happened.”

I hold his gaze, spitting out another few petals.

He eventually looks away. “Al it's... Don't die.”

I look up at the sky. “Why not? You're going to.”

He jumps, looks around. “How do you know?”

I toy with the braid running along the side of my head, and I tell half the story, lying to protect Ignis. “When we were separated in Altissia I found Pryna. She showed me before she died.”

The king's eyes are wide, tears in their corners. “Al... If you knew... Why not get it removed?”

“Because I want to remember loving you when I watch the first sunrise.” Another coughing fit, my voice is getting rougher, like I'm chewing rocks.

He holds his head in his hands again and takes a slow breath. “Damnit Al...”

“Noct... Please... Can I just... Can we talk more later? I need space...” It's hard to breathe, I gasp a little between words after that last coughing fit.

He jumps to his feet. “I'm sorry!” He practically runs away, back to the caravan.

Gods I hope he sleeps. He needs his sleep.

And for the first time in so long I feel that heavy exhaustion set in. A weight on my shoulders, a pull in my chest.

And I cough flowers once more.

I know there's no promise he can make, no way he can find the time to grow to love me, and I'm not sure if he'd even try to.

We both know that if he dies the disease may dissipate, or it may still kill me.

It's a risk I'll have to take. Because I wasn't lying. Because I want to love him as the sun comes up.

Because I know the sun will rise. I know we'll succeed. And I'll be standing with everyone else when the scourge dies and light comes back to us.

But Ignis told me what he saw, I know what Noct has to do.

But I can think of worse things than watching white lilies spill from my mouth while I watch the sun rise after ten years.

Staring up at the blackness I accept the risk, I let out a soft breath, raise calloused fingertips to my lips, and cough flowers again thinking about that kiss.

I speak in a breathless voice to the sky. “You have so much to learn Noct. I wish I had time to teach you...”

I wish a lot of things.


End file.
